i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
