she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
