i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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