Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
