Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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