That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
