Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
