Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
