I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
