K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Randomize
