So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
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