Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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