i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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