We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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