You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
