Too much gin, very little bucket
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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