The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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