Don't make out with my wife yet
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
