The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
