the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
The Redheads category on Pornhub is my number 2 site behind facebook on google chrome. I think I have a problem
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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