eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
