Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
