Heybabeimwearingurpanties
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
