I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Randomize
