It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
