Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Randomize
