i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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