The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I currently don't understand fingers.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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