my phone needs a breathalizer
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
