Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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