Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
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