I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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