Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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