At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
