I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
