margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
