Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Randomize
