i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
