When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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