so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
