I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Randomize
