I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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