I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
She even gives head with a lisp.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
