I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
