Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Randomize
