I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
