i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
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