someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
