Will you blow on my dice?
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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