I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Randomize
